If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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