My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
