I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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