No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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