Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
