hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
