1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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