Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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