Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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