I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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