i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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