I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dude i'm inner monologue high
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
