can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
