Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
