Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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