also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
