oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
