I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
