remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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