my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
