I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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