I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
