You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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