I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
