Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
