Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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