So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The Olympian is in my bed
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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