My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize