if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
