Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
