Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
