I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
