Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
