You're completely useless in the revolution.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
