This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
