So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
