dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
