It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
