after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
