my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
