Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
