I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
