piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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