Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
