She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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