I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
