Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
