they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
