its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
