Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
As shirtless as possible
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize