i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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