My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
