If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize