Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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