My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I can text with my tongue
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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