I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
God, you're like boner-b-gone
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
