Can i not drive my cunt home
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
