I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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