You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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