Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
